Dealmaker and Dealbreaker: a practical guide to choosing the right people in your life

Have you ever felt that some people drain you, while others fill you with energy, inspiration, and motivation? It’s not a coincidence: it all revolves around your values. This article will guide you through a key process for your personal and professional growth, helping you identify two essential categories: dealmakers and dealbreakers. In other words, those who bring value into your “room” – that powerful metaphor for your life space – and those who, instead, undermine your integrity, well-being, and goals.

Starting from your values allows you to define clear boundaries, cultivate nourishing relationships, and live a lifestyle aligned with what truly matters to you. In this chapter of the “Who’s in Your Room?” method, you’ll discover concrete tools and exercises to clarify who you want in your room… and who you don’t.

Get ready to see how a simple list can change everything.

The foundation: clarity on your values

Values are at the heart of our decisions. They’re not just nice words to hang on a wall: they manifest through everyday behaviors – ours and others’. Recognizing them helps you train your inner “doorman” – the part of you that decides who to let into your life – and your “concierge”, who helps people find the right place in your room.

Ask yourself: how do you spend your time today? Your answers reveal what you are truly honoring. If you don’t like what you see, the good news is that you can change it… starting here.

The most powerful starting point

Is it hard to list your values? Try starting with what you can’t tolerate. Your dealbreakers – behaviors, attitudes, and traits that make you feel uncomfortable, frustrated, or angry – are the key to uncovering your deepest values.

Guiding questions:

• When was the last time you felt truly upset or frustrated?

• What behaviors drain your energy?

• What do you consider morally unacceptable?

Common examples of dealbreakers

• Failing to honor commitments

• Selfishness and narcissism

• Chronic negativity

• Arrogance and inability to listen

💡 Practical tip: Think of someone who gets on your nerves. What specific behavior bothers you? And what’s the opposite of that behavior? That opposite is likely one of your core values.

A Transformative Exercise

Write down a list of behaviors you absolutely cannot tolerate. Use initials or nicknames if it helps you feel freer. Then reflect: do you sometimes act that way too? You may uncover aspects of yourself worth working on – just like Doug in the book, who realized he needed to become a better listener to align with his own values of empathy and kindness.

The opposite of dealbreakers

Once you’ve identified who you don’t want in your life, it becomes easier to see who you do want. Dealmakers are people who embody your values through concrete actions. They are your sources of inspiration, nourishment, and energy.

Start by thinking of people you admire – outside your family or romantic relationships. What qualities make them stand out?

Examples of values that define a dealmaker

• Integrity

• Generosity

• Perseverance

• Authentic optimism

• Constructiveness over criticism

What to write on your list

• “I will only open the door to those who contribute equally to the relationship.”

• “I choose people who work for the common good, not just for themselves.”

• “I want to be around open-minded, honest people with a good sense of humor.”

List your core values

After defining your dealbreakers and dealmakers, it’s time to draft your personal list of values. Use any method that suits you: pick from a list, use process of elimination, or complete sentences like “If I really believed in [value], then I would…”

Example:

“If responsibility were truly important to me, I would stop blaming others for my mistakes.”

You can also distinguish between current values (those you already live by) and aspirational values (those you strive toward).

The power of your inner circle

Your life reflects the values of the five people you spend the most time with. List them, examine their values, and look for recurring themes – chances are, those are your core values too.

If the list doesn’t reflect who you are (or want to become), it’s time to reconsider your relationships. Changing your “room” is always possible, one step at a time.

Visit the Who’s In Your Room section of our website to access practical exercises, insights, and tools to train your inner doorman and live according to your values.

Choosing who enters your life is one of the most powerful and transformative acts you can take. By identifying your dealbreakers and dealmakers, you begin building a life that truly reflects what matters most to you. This isn’t about judging others – it’s about choosing mindfully, every day, who and what deserves space in your room.

Now it’s your turn: who do you really want in your life?